Twelve Rules

All of our lives we're surrounded by rules.

"Don't run in the hallway."

"Don't play ball in the house."

"No shoes. No shirt. No service."

All to often, these rules tell us what not to do. And they're usually very context specific. It seems to me there are twelve very basic rules that are foundational to the rest. (Yes, I'm ignoring the "golden rule," all ten of the commandments and every other form of religious doctrine.)

These rules are more about what to do. They apply to work, parenting, gardening, and life in general. The quick list is:

1. Keep your word.
2. Do your best. Always.
3. When you have to eat a turd, don't nibble.
4. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.
5. When the job is done, walk away.
6. Don't believe. Verify.
7. You panic. You drown.
8. Choices have consequences.
9. Clean up after yourself.
10. Leave room for chaos.
11. Life ain't fair.
12. Be the quiet fox.

TheKiddo™would probably tell you I have lots more rules than that. Admittedly, I do still yell, "Look both ways"! as she's crossing the street. So she would have a point. My counter, however, would be that I'm merely reminding her of rule 2, and crossing the street without looking isn't her best.

Leave Room For Whimsy

Early in my career as a Jr. Copywriter working at an ad agency in NYC, I learned quickly not to fill in all the gaps for readers. The idea was to involve them in the writing while leaving room for them to make some of the connections. In other words, when you're building a mouse trap, leave room for the mouse.

As my career advanced and I became a student of business and productivity, as well as advertising, I learned to leave room for chaos. No matter how many to-do lists and how much calendar blocking I might do, someone would invariably hand me an assignment that was unexpected and required my immediate attention. Be it edits to something I had thought complete, or a new business pitch, or an assignment for a client I'd never worked on before, there was always a hot project.

"Leave room for chaos" became a mantra of sorts.

In some ways this was my initial effort to develop a mindfulness to accept what was "hot" and treat it with urgency, without getting in my own way by bemoaning the fact that it would disrupt my schedule completely.

I even passed along this bit of wisdom to others, in an effort to help other Jr. Copywriters understand that it wasn't a personal affront to their efforts. It was simply a fact of the pace of business, and would become a daily occurrence 19 times out of 20.

Being a dad, however, has shown me I was looking at it all wrong. It's the other 1 time in 20 that should have some room made for it. The moment of utter whimsy that makes the other 19 times predictable is the moment to savor and seek.

TheKiddo™ and her mami taught me this with a game they created using a d20 (or twenty sided die for those who have never played Dungeons & Dragons).

They'll roll a d20, and when a 20 appears, the one who rolled it gets to punch me in the shoulder. All while giggling manically. Luckily for me, neither punches terribly hard, and it makes me laugh too.

It's that 1 in 20 chance that creates joy and anticipation. And by enjoying the weird little game as much as they do, it involves everyone in the fun. The other 19 possible numbers are just part of what happens along the way.

There will always be chaos to handle.

Makes the random bits of whimsy that much more fun.

Rule Number 1: Keep Your Word

For the past decade, I've been told time and again that TheKiddo is a special little human being. I was reminded of this recently when one of her teachers remarked, "Whatever you guys are doing, it's working. You should teach a master class."

Honestly, TheKiddo deserves the credit for being such a special human. We do our best to guide her, support her, and let her find her own way. She is the one filled with kindness, compassion, a competitive spirit, and a keen power of observation (as well as a startling large memory). 

That's not to say we have a laissez-faire approach to parenting. Quite the opposite; however, we avoid being helicopter parents. TheKiddo has to learn to handle both wins and losses; solve her own problems; fight her own battles; and ultimately discover what she wants her life to be.

There are several lessons we reinforce as often as possible—including reminding her, "First, you have to want to. Everything else is details." As part of this, she has been told time and again that Rule Number 1 is "Keep Your Word."

If you agree to something, do it.

If you sign up for something, see it through.

If you tell someone you'll do something, make sure it's done forthwith.

When you don't do those things, when you fail to keep your word at any point, it becomes difficult for people to believe you, or believe in you. Trust and respect are hard to earn, and are incredibly fragile. When they're broken, they can never be the same. 

Of Course Good Dads Make Good Leaders

I recently stumbled across a post on LinkedIn that lays out the reasons awesome dads make great leaders.

As someone who takes his responsibilities as a dad very seriously—even to the point of carrying the pink backpack whenever necessary—all of the reasons make complete sense. They also seem to be rather self evident to me.

Men who take their roles as a dad seriously, will always be careful to treat those that work with them with respect and concern. It's the men who don't take the role seriously that I worry about.

Without quantity time, there is no quality time

An inalienable fact perches itself before me daily, and forces my attention. Poking, prodding and imploring me to respond viscerally and instinctively. Calling into question my reality as a man and a dad. This particular, peculiar fact is sublimely simple, while maintaining an irascible inscrutability.

The fact in question: I don't spend enough time with TheKiddo­™ on a daily basis.

Without much hesitation I could provide a litany of reasons, and the vast majority would seem reasonable, logical, and necessary. They would also be completely worthless in the face of a daunting reality that nothing is more precious than the time we can and should spend with those we love.

I've read enough articles, blog posts, or other musings on the topic of the importance of quality time to frequently deceive myself that I'm doing it right. To convince myself that when I'm present, she has my time and attention. To delude myself into the narcissistic view that I'm there for the moments she'll remember.

The singular, obvious, striking problem with that idea is that I'm completely wrong about quality time. So are you. And so is anyone else who thinks quality time is something that fundamentally exists in nature.

You can't plan quality time. There's simply too much chaos in life to allow for it.

That romantic evening you planned with your significant other can be completely undone by a stray nail lying randomly in the road. A shredded tire and a call to AAA suddenly become much more urgent than the gelato you've been looking forward to sharing. Or a sudden fever by one of the kids makes it unlikely that you'll leave the house at all.

Those moments will create memories; however, it is unlikely they will be the fondest memories you have. Worse, when a little chaos is introduced, your preplanned quality time has suddenly become a chore, or something more akin to an unmitigated disaster.

Happily the converse can be equally true. Chore-like sojourns to the grocery store can be moments of discovery and delight when you encounter something you've never seen, or tell new jokes invoking peals of laughter.

So a new inalienable fact now perches before me: The more time you spend with those you love, the more quality you'll discover in your life. 

Father's Day - I love the idea. I hate the name.

Every year, Father's Day rolls around and provides a day when we think about the men who helped give us life. We thank them. We honor them. We give them a tie or a beer, and some alone time with the TV or a grill.

Until TheKiddo™ arrived, I never thought much about the day beyond a card and a phone call. Now, each year when it returns, I realize how much I loathe the name of it. My loathing is based on the chasm that exists between being a father and being a dad.

Anyone with a pulse and a sperm count can be a father. They don't have to do anything other than provide half of the genetic coding.

You know the guys I mean. They were there for the conception, and mostly absent since. They were off doing their own thing, unconcerned about participating in and celebrating the life they had helped create. Your own father may have been one of them. 

Sure, they helped bring another human onto the planet. They didn't necessarily help make that human a good one, a kind one, a productive one, or someone you want to know. Not all fathers deserve thanks, and honor. Every dad does.

Dads are fully present. They do everything possible to help their kids—and all kids they encounter—be happy, and healthy, and productive.

They coach sports, including the ones they've never played. They chauffeur even if it's to 5 a.m. practices or games. They teach all they can about any possible topic, and learn just as much along the way. They help bandage scrapes and kiss bruises—even when the bruises are to egos. They make Jell-O at midnight for feverish kids with no appetite. They comfort during illness even if it means sleeping on a cot in a hospital room.

Dads watch. Dads guard. Dads protect.

Dads do all that, and expect nothing in return. Dads know full well that when the cameras are on, the kids will say, "Hi mom." It's okay. It's part of the job. There's no complaining. There are no hurt feelings. Dads do whatever it takes to raise happy kids, regardless of the accolades.

Dads are present, because that's what matters. And that's why Father's Day should be Dad's Day.

The act of becoming a father is brief. The art of being a dad takes a lifetime to learn, and it cannot be perfected.

Thank you to all the dads from whom I have learned. And thank you to all the dads from whom I will learn.

Enjoy this day. Tomorrow, it will be all about mom again.

The Holidays Are Here

Tonight we're walking to Main Street Gardens for the beginning of the Christmas festivities. There will be lots of activities, including a visit from Santa.
Not having to worry about parking is a definite perk of living nearby.
For a complete schedule, check the Downtown Dallas website.
http://downtowndallas.org/dallas_city_lights_2012/

Plenty vs. Poverty

Random thoughts keep running through my mind. They cross and part and intersect again. And at each intersection there is one overriding question, "What will the world be like when TheKiddo™ becomes an adult"?

I worry that it will continue to be a world under the sway of those who measure success by dollar signs. A world that measures success by how much one person can own.

And that is the fundamental problem, at least in the U.S. Yet it is a problem we refuse to face seriously. Because to face it, is to shake the foundations of power and success (at least as such things are currently defined).

Success is ownership. It has been that way since the founding of the nation when only free, male, landowners had a say in the way government was run, or could even be members of the government. What made it success was that you could be free, vote, and determine your own destiny.

Over the course of time, some of those barriers have come down. And others, such as slavery, have been nearly eradicated. Yet the basis of success and power has remained—ownership.

Ownership as success inserts an Oligarchy over any other form of government. Because the government becomes corrupted by those who have the ownership that those within the government crave for themselves—so they too can become obviously successful.

Sometimes the corruption is overt. Sometimes the corruption is subtle. Always the corruption remains. As long as there is ownership—and therefore power—to be earned and used.

Make no mistake, those who have the most ownership don't want to give it up. They hide trillions of dollars from their governments in order to keep them. They aren't interested in using their wealth to keep war, famine, pestilence and death at bay—except perhaps for themselves. Their interest is in retaining their wealth, expanding their ownership, and having more control. And with that control, they amass more wealth to continue the cycle.

The nations of this world could benefit from those trillions that are hidden. In fact, the dollars that are hidden are more than most nations ever produce.

Sadly, taking the money from them and redistributing it solves nothing. It would merely change the players but not the game.

So if these gluttons of wealth are determined to keep their monies, and if shuffling it to someone else would merely change the names/faces of the gluttons, there isn't a solution that is readily apparent. Until you look at the entire problem from a different point of view.

Stripping ownership of its power is the key to changing the rules.

Will TheKiddo™ Have Heroes?

Do you ever look at your children and wonder, "Who inspires them"?

I spend most of my time worrying about her school, her health, her day-to-day wellbeing that I don't always think about her bigger dreams. What are they? Where do they come from? How can I help her?

I caught myself wondering about her inspiration tonight as I shut off the lights and put the bedtime stories away.

Our daughter is interested in such a wide variety of things. It is hard at times to keep track. She swims. She plays drums. She dances. She plays with dolls. She loves board games. She explores with her Girl Scout friends (technically Daisies at her age).

She does all the things that are probably normal for a majority six-year olds. And yet I find myself wondering who her female heroes and role models will be.

Will it be her mami? TheBetterHalf® is an incredible woman (and I'm sure I don't tell her that enough—lo siento muñequita).

Will it be Missy Franklin? TheKiddo™ has made it clear she loves swimming, and that she wants to win gold medals in the Olympics just like Missy.

Will it be Lisa Randall? TheKiddo™ does love math and science (a love I hope to foster for as long as I live).

I have no idea from where TheKiddo™ will draw inspiration. Mine came from books, movies, and my imagination. I didn't have heroes, or anyone that I truly aspired to be. I wasn't even sure who I ought to admire.

I'll do my best to place incredible opportunities, people and role models in her path. And at the end of the day, that may be all I can do.

Is Public Education Focused On The Wrong Product?

Public education, particularly Dallas ISD, has been a constant topic in our house since the start of the school year. This week, the conversation has been focused on "leveling."

For those who aren't going through this tedious process, I'll explain it briefly.

Leveling refers to a reduction in the number of teachers and personnel to correspond to the number of students. The process seems to be a bit more complex this year in DISD due to the consolidation of elementary schools (e.g. the closing of some campuses and the redistribution of the anticipated students to other campuses).

Where TheKiddo™ goes to school, they had anticipated 420 students, and only 360 enrolled. So for the first six weeks, we've known that some teacher would be leaving us. We just didn't know which ones, or when.

News is finally trickling out, and we should have confirmation tomorrow.

The upside of what we're hearing is that TheKiddo's teacher isn't one of the ones leaving. The downside is, we don't know if she'll be moved to another grade or not. So TheKiddo will have a bigger classroom because one of the teachers is being reassigned. We just don't yet know if she'll have a new teacher too. Regardless of the outcome, lots of students who should be well on their way to establishing routines, will have to start at the beginning.

It's terrible that we're days away from the end of the first marking period and we don't know. It proves to me that DISD isn't focused on the well being of the children. They're focused on the items that generate revenue: attendance, and test scores (particularly TAKS or STAAR, or whatever it has become).

The focus on these items is understandable. If that's where the money is, and that's what's being measured, then they're an obvious place to look. Yet it's the wrong outcome. Because these items don't necessarily have any causality for future success, preparation for college, or a students knowledge and ability to be a contributor to society.

By focusing on attendance and test scores, students are transformed from recipients into producers. They are no longer the end result, they are part of the machinery that is responsible for creating the end result: higher test scores.

If the students are constantly pushed to create better and higher test scores, they are not learning how to communicate clearly, think critically, and synthesize all the information being presented to them. They are merely focused on narrow analysis of specific pieces so that they can perform well when tested.

And if those producers don't create an end product that is of sufficient quality, they aren't fired and replaced as in a traditional workforce scenario. The result is far worse for them, for you, for us, for society as a whole. They are relegated to the dustbin of the unteachable. And that is an unconscionable outcome.  

We must move from our industrial-age, analysis-over-synthesis view of the classroom and its result.

The synthesis is crucial. It's what helps students understand that geometry is important, beyond the boundaries of geometry class, for example. We need to rethink the priority, and begin treating the teachers and students as humans rather than resources.

I don't have the solutions. I do know we need to start looking in different places for them.

Connect Four Degrees of Separation

TheKiddo™ took her Tio to school playing Connect Four. At the same time, she took my mind on a trip to the one place on the surface of the Earth that is farthest from the center of the planet.

Her facility with the game and the ease with which she won a couple of them, started some thoughts about cognitive hierarchy. The budding thoughts then led me to this PDF about economics that is copied from "The Quarterly Journal of Economics, August 2004"

This (of course) led me to Poisson Distribution, and the infallible realization that I need a refresher course in mathematics. 

This reminded me of a TED speech from Rives, and now I can only think of one word:

Chimborazo!

Vacation time

We've made our 2nd annual pilgrimage to the beaches of South Texas. This year, we opted to stay in a condo with a full kitchen. That's due to the scarcity of good restaurant choices in the area. We figured rather than pay for poor food, we'd just make sure we scheduled time for cooking. Heck, it's vacation. It's not like we have anywhere particular to be.

Teaching TheKiddo™: Lesson 8

"If the winds will not serve, take to the oars."

You'll hear a thousand variations on this in your lifetime. The most common will be, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." Regardless of how the proverb is presented it always means the same thing—persevere. There is always another route to your goal.

I don't know what your goals will be. I simply know that there will be times that the wind stops blowing and you feel becalmed, as though you're drifting slowly through the horse latitudes.

Whenever you seem to have reached an impasse, stay calm. And think. There's a solution. There's another way.

Even several thousand years ago in Rome they understood that when the sails of their ships weren't full of air, they could grab the oars and paddle like mad. It may take a little more work than you'd like. It may require a lot more effort than you had planned. It may leave you exhausted. 

It will, however, also get you to your destination.

Kindergarten Graduation

TheKiddo™ has completed her Kindergarten year. At the ceremony, she received a variety of awards for her academic accomplishments. It was definitely a moment of bittersweet pride. Like all dads, I want her to stay small and protectable forever. This was a reminder that such a dream will never be real.

I can't put her in a bubble, or encase her in amber to never change. All I can do is try to teach her the lessons I think will help her have an incredible life, then offer my guidance along the way. I'll watch her stumble. I'll see her make mistakes. I'll wonder time and time again where I could have been better.

I cannot, however, live her life for her.

There is a flip side to the moments that make me wonder. There will be moments, like graduation, that make me swell with pride.

I'll see her excel. I'll watch her win. I'll cheer her attempts and victories as loudly as I can. And I'll wonder what I did right that helped her along the way.

In the midst of enjoying her success, and marking this milestone, I repeatedly stumbled over the fact that many of the other parents, including TheBetterHalf®, referred to the ceremony as a graduation. I have a hard time using that word. She'll be at the same school next year, after all. So she's not really graduating from anything.

I did my best not to be a curmudgeon about the use of the word. I'm sure I failed at it many times.

The fact that TheBetterHalf® thought of it as a graduation, however, led to some incredible decorations. She (with a very little bit of help from yours truly) painted pots to be used as little chalk boards. And she then planted flowers donated by our favorite garden in them. She also created special potted plants as gifts for the teachers.

Some days I think she's the creative one in this relationship. I just happen to get paid for mine.

Birthday party at Jumpstreet

I admit it. I'm not a fan of birthday parties at corporate locations. They're rushed, impersonal, and over-priced.
I've felt that way since the late 1970s when I attended a birthday party at a McDonald's for one of my second grade classmates. Jumpstreet certainly doesn't alter that opinion.
It smells like a gym. The psychadelic carpet hides stains (so I have no clue what is coming into contact with TheKiddo's bare feet), and pains the eyes. It's also scary to see the number of parents who lose track of their children. Not fun to watch them running around in a panic.
The music has been the one redeeming quality: Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin are the ones that stick out most.
All in all, I would much rather run around a park, a zoo, an arboretum, or even a museum. At the end of the day, it's not my party. And I'm glad to know I can rule out one more place for future parties.

Kid's Workshop at Home Depot

The first Saturday of the month is always full of fun free things to do in Dallas. Today, TheKiddo™ and I took advantage of one of them. We went to Home Depot for the Kid's Workshop.
Today, the craft is an organizer for Father's Day. We had a blast. I highly recommend it.

Teaching TheKiddo™: Lesson 7

Remember The Rules; Know When To Break Them.

Your life will be full of rules. You’ll constantly be told what to do. You’ll always have someone telling you what you should and should not be doing.

It has already started. Your Mami and Papi make rules for you. Your teachers make rules for you. Your coaches make rules for you.

There are rules for games, grammar, learning, and life.

For the most part, those rules are designed to protect you, teach you and help you grow. So learn them. There are times, however, that you’ll want or even need to break the rules.

Like now.

There are a variety of grammar rules I just broke with that two-word paragraph. I did it on purpose. I did it for a reason. And it worked.

Maurice Sendak was masterful at breaking the rules of grammar. "Where The Wild Things Are" is an opus of sentence fragments an run-ons. It's also a book that you request in both English and Spanish on a regular basis. 

I know the rules. So I know when breaking them is the right thing to do.

Learn your rules. 

Follow them. 

Brush your teeth. Wash your face. Do your homework.

In time, you’ll know when breaking the rules (or even a little civil disobedience) is the right thing to do. Just be sure you know why you’re breaking the rules.

Papi will back you 100%.

Light reading

TheBetterHalf® has been working at a Scholastic book fair this week. That's always a good thing, because she'll come home with all sorts of books for TheKiddo™that didn't require us to dip into the bank account.

This week, however, she brought me a book too!

It's "The Elements: A Visual Exploration of Every Known Atom in the Universe" by Theodore Gray. I'm loving it. Can't wait to share it with TheKiddo™ (though at six, I know she's not ready for it).

Teaching TheKiddo™: Lesson 6

Keep Your Word

This one is as simple as it seems.

Do what you say you will. Don’t do what you say you won’t do.

There’s no need to lie, shade the truth or prevaricate. Just keep your word. The world will be a better place.

Teaching TheKiddo™: Lesson 5

It's not about you. It's about what you do. 


Sometimes it’s hard to know that there’s a great big world you haven’t seen. As much as Mami and Papi try to show you, there will always be things we don’t want you to see.

Pain. Misery. Suffering. Sadness. Madness.

We do our best to keep these from you. Sometimes we fail. This year, one of your classmates lost everything shortly before Christmas in a fire. Chances are, you won’t remember. And I know you won’t realize we dipped into the bank account to help that family. I do hope, however, that we teach you that we had to.

We couldn’t sit idly by while someone suffered.

We couldn’t sit on our hands and not extend them in comfort and aid.

It wasn’t about us. It wasn’t even about giving in the spirit of the holiday season. It was about being human and caring for those who can’t care for themselves.

There are a lot of people in this great big world. We can’t take care of them all. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.